I met two of them while I was working at Duke, and the third was met, over the phone, because of a need. These three people all became good, good friends, but they have now all gone missing. At least in a sense. I no longer hear from any of them, for reasons that are completely unknown to me. I’ve been ghosted.
It would be impolite of me to give you their names, so I will identify them only by initialized nicknames I have made up for this article. Clown Girl will be henceforth known as CG, Science Nerd as SN, and Dodgers Fan as DF.
Baseball, of course, is my favorite sport, but it should not surprise anyone that I do enjoy several others, including figure skating. I really hate winter – more so as I get older –but hockey, college basketball and figure skating help make the cold weather a bit more tolerable. Just a bit. Anyway, in one of my Duke jobs, a new staff member had been hired. We had not yet met when she passed by my office and stopped in because of my calendar. I had a wall calendar hanging up that I had received from the U.S. Olympic Committee, and the photo for that month was of a couple of figure skaters, so CG asked if I happened to be a skating fan. When I said yes, an instant friendship was formed.
As we got to know each other, we found we had other things in common, like a love of Broadway musicals, films, great acting, writing, silly comedy and progressive politics. We also believed in being active within the community – I was involved at that time in adult literacy, and she was part of a group that put on clown makeup and costumes and went into the hospital to cheer up people who were very sick; hence my use of Clown Girl.
I don’t recall exactly how I met Science Nerd, but he was also at Duke, also worked on the same floor as I, though in a totally different department. We soon bonded over sports, primarily Duke basketball but also baseball, and then politics. It was not unusual for one of us to decide to take a break during the day, stretch our legs, and wander into the other person’s office to talk about one of our common interests. Those discussions often branched out into other subjects, and we would have to force ourselves to cut it off and get back to the jobs we were being paid to do. All too often one of us would say “It sucks that work gets in the way of having a good time.”
Both of those friendships were forged in the early 2000s, while Dodgers Fan came about eight or nine years ago, maybe ten. My wife and I were in need of something and decided to shop online as well as locally, and in calling a toll-free number, I just happened to get DF. Anyone could have picked up my call, but I got him, and the more we spoke, the more we realized this was some sort of kismet, because we had an almost instant connection.
Now, I have never rooted for the Dodgers because, as a Brooklyn native, I still remember how they left us for the sun – and cash – of Los Angeles, and I cannot forgive! But I never held this against DF, and we had many wonderful phone conversations about his team, but also about baseball in general. We never met in person, since our homes are very far apart, but we got to know each other’s families, and gave each other pertinent advice in a couple of different areas. I even hoped that, at some point, we could arrange to meet, perhaps at a spring training game.
And then they all disappeared.
Clown Girl went first. Several years ago, she contracted a terrible disease, one that has no cure. Her husband was good enough to keep us informed, sending us e-mails every few weeks to let us know how they both were doing under this cloud.
For many years, I have made it a practice to send out Christmas cards to my Christian friends and include one of those end-of-the-year summary letters. (My Jewish lantzmen get one for Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year). I mailed out a slew of cards in December of 2023, and several weeks later the card for CG and her husband came back as “unable to be forwarded.” Had they moved? I quickly sent off an e-mail to CG’s husband; it did not bounce back, but there was no response. I sent off another, and still heard nothing. I had two phone numbers for them and called both, but one was “no longer in service,” while the other went to a business, not a personal residence, and they did not know CG or her husband. I scoured the internet but only found very old bits of information. I even asked a mutual friend if she knew anything. She did not but undertook her own search, and came away emptyhanded.
I suspect that, as her disease progressed, her husband found it too difficult to care for her on his own and, perhaps, decided it would be prudent to put her into a facility especially designed for this type of illness. I also realize she may have passed, but I have found no online obituaries. I am left in the dark.
Dodgers Fan disappearance really has me baffled. Our phone and e-mail relationship seemed to be rock solid, with no arguments or disagreements. And then, early in 2024, I sent him an e-mail and received no reply. A second was sent out, a week or so later, on the theory that the first somehow evaporated in cyberspace; still nothing. Since he had one time given me his phone number, I called, got voice mail, left a message, and… nothing. I tried another time, but once again only got the robotic response, and received no reply to my message.
I thought the worst, that he was sick or injured or, perhaps, had died in an accident, since his job did require a lot of car travel and, well, anything can happen when you’re behind the wheel. I checked online obituaries for his town and region, but found nothing. I looked on Facebook and found some old posts that went back several years, indicating that neither he nor his wife were very active there.
I sent a couple more e-mails, asking for an explanation as to why we were no longer in communication; I thought that I at least had the right to know if I had said something that offended him. (To this day I cannot think of anything like that, but I guess it is possible.) All to no avail, Dodgers Fan seems to have withdrawn from my life. And even though I am not a fan of his team, I was a big fan of his, and miss our frequent interactions. I hope that his disappearance has nothing to do with an illness or death or any drastic change in his family dynamic.
Science Nerd is the most recent case. As mentioned, we were good friends in Durham, but even after my wife and I moved to Tennessee in 2009, he and I communicated frequently, especially during basketball season and periodically throughout the summer. But I recently sent him a question via e-mail and have not heard back, which is quite unlike him. Maybe it is floating around the data superhighway, or perhaps it is stuck on the International Space Station with our two astronauts. He might be so busy at work that he just hasn’t had time to respond, that is certainly feasible, but that would also be a first, so I am looking at the possibility that another long-time friend has, for some reason, ghosted me.
And it sucks. I am not throwing myself a pity-party, but I’m sorry, life is too short to lose people for no reason. Every one of us needs all the friends we can get, and losing even one is a heartbreak. I have gone to funerals and understand that death is life’s final chapter, but I don’t know if death has played a part in any of these cases. I simply don’t know what has led to these disappearances, and perhaps that’s my primary complaint, the “not knowing” part. It would be nice to know why my journey with any or all of them seems to have ended.
To Clown Girl, Dodgers Fan and Science Nerd, if I said or did anything to offend you in any way, I apologize. I still consider all of you my friends, an important part of my life story. I hope that someday, somewhere, we can be reunited. Until then, in the words of songwriter John Hartford, I will keep you “ever gentle on my mind.”